My husband Butch is from East Texas, the land of colorful and funny people with enough delightful expressions to fill a big ole cracker barrel. He always has a pocketful of these hilarious old sayings, ready to whip them out at a moment's notice, making mundane, everyday things infinitely more interesting and flavorful, much like a chef sprinkling salt on everything, everywhere. After sixteen years together, his expressions still make me laugh out loud.
I mean, most of us might just say we were scared of heights, plain and simple, but no, not Butch. He says, after being up on a high ladder, "I was quivering like a cat poopin' peach seeds!" Descriptive! Or when us boring, normal people might simply mention how dark it was outside, he can't just say it's dark. He has to say, "It's dark as the inside of a cow out there!" And if something is shiny, Butch (for some reason that still escapes me) quips, "Shinier than a diamond in a goat's butt." See? Colorful! And such nice mental images too!
And to add even more flavor to life, he has this endearing quirk of suddenly popping out golden morsels of 'truth' at the most unexpected moments (most of which I have no idea what to do with).
Last night we were innocently discussing pine nuts. Butch then pops out, with the complete assurance of a kid telling a story, "Euell Gibbobs died from choking to death on a pine nut." I paused to take in this tidbit of Butch trivia. (Okay, Euell Gibbons the Grape Nuts cereal spokesman? Hmm... Really?) I respond, "Really? Huh. I don't remember that." Go to handy Google and see that, in reality, Euell Gibbons in fact died of an aneurysm, which I informed Butch of. He says, "Nooo, I don't think so." Oh, well okay then! Choking to death it is!
Recently we were having a run o' the mill discussion about yams. Why? I have no idea but then Butch comes out with, "Daniel Boone died from eating too many yams." as if it were the God's honest truth. I again respond with suspicion at yet another bit of Butch trivia and go straight to my phone. Nope, Daniel died of natural causes. I then inform Butch of this *actual* truth, which will make absolutely no impression on him. Google is lying. We will have this discussion 5000 more times.
But I think my favorite of his interesting beliefs is that people who go on vacation and get hurt got EXACTLY what they deserved. If we hear a story of something terrible happening while people are doing anything other than working or sleeping, such as the 40 year old woman who fell to her death after skydiving with a faulty parachute, Butch proclaims, finger in air, "That's what happens when you're having fun! They should have stayed home and at work where they belonged!" Hence the very understandable reason that we never go anywhere, do anything or have any fun whatsoever because it's apparently DANGEROUS and frivolous and you'll get your just reward for doing it. So now whenever we hear of someone getting hurt or killed on vacation, we say, in unison, (mine with a hint of sarcasm), "That's what they get for having fun!"
And for some reason, it never fails to make me laugh. All of it. It definitely keeps life interesting and flavorful. I think I'll start calling him the Verbal Chef. He won't get it but I bet he'll have something funny to say about it! "Whut? I'm no Verbull Sheff. I just speak the truth like a black hog in a waller talking to a blue frog on a log, as full as a tick on a hound dog's belly who would stretch a mile if he didn't have to walk back. Verbull Sheff. Psh."
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