A city girl learning to live off grid on a mountain in Montana with a country boy makes for an endless supply of funny stories, even if they weren't funny at the time. Lots of laughs and tears and love along the way. Enjoy! 😊

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

A Rich Legacy

Sooooo, I was at a mountain dinner party recently. Three of us off grid girls were talking about life in general when one of us, not me, mentioned what she did that day. 


In the middle of recounting her day, she said very matter of factly, and I quote here,  " ... and I ironed for a couple of hours while watching Tom Jones and then I ..." 


To which I rudely interrupted and said, in fine Tom Jones fashion, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. You did what? Go back. What were you doing? "Ironing to Tom Jones"?? You mean Tom Jones, the singer?" 


She looked at me, forehead all scrunched up, and said, "Is there any other?" To which I burst out laughing because, no, there is no other and then I said, "Do tell. I must hear more." because Tom Jones was indeed handsome and I get it, but he was more of our mothers' generation of heart throbs, not ours. 


She then explained that her mother had always done the daily ironing during the Tom Jones show, so, to my friend, forever thereafter, Tom Jones and ironing simply go together. She has a set of dvd's of the Tom Jones show that she puts on while she irons. 


And this, ladies and gentlemen, is a perfect example of passing down a rich legacy and being an exceptionally good role model. Because if you can't sing and dance with a good-looking man while you're ironing, then what's the point of ironing at all?  ;)


 "It's not unUsual to be loved by anyone, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh!" 🎡 🎢 🎼


Tuesday, July 20, 2021

The Struggle is Real

Ahhh ... life's little dilemmas. How to stay on a diet when one has company? 


Obviously you don't use the excuse of company to pig out while they're staying with you. One must maintain discipline and self-control. But there are meals to make that will please your visitors like Jacques Pepin's creamy Chicken Pot Pie, cheesy potatoes and Sour Cream Chicken Enchiladas. And nothing goes with Steak like homemade French Fries! They are a must! You simply cannot disappoint your guests and feed them boring health food. And you can't let them eat alone either. That would be so rude. Nor can you eat a salad while they scarf down immeasurable calories. This would make them feel uncomfortable and good manners are all about making others feel comfortable, right? Can I get a witness?


And no visit would be complete without homemade bread and cinnamon rolls. These are actual basic staples that no good hostess would be without  and I'm nothing if not a good hostess. 


And one must have plentiful desserts around. These people are on their vacation! They need to be treated well and spoiled rotten! And if you don't join them in a bite or two of tart Huckleberry Pie or Double Chocolate Brownies with Coffee Ice Cream or yummy Blackberry Cobbler they will be hurt. One cannot make their guests feel like piglets. 


And once your guests leave, THEN there's the issue of leftover food! There are bananas to be eaten! Pie left over! Enchiladas still in the fridge!  One absolutely cannot let these go to waste. And some things just don't freeze well. Yes you can stick bananas in the freezer "for smoothies later" but does anyone ever really remember these hard, brown, shriveled, frozen things in the back of their freezer?? I think not! They will end up being thrown away anyway so one simply must do what one can now. The dogs don't like bananas so even though peanut butter banana sandwiches fried in butter and covered in honey isn't quite on my paleo diet, I will make the sacrifice and do the right thing by having one so as not to add to the terrible plague of food-wasting. This goes for the leftover huckleberry pie and the enchiladas as well. It's my duty.


But even with ALL my impressive self-control, I still cannot figure out why I gain weight when we have people here! It is such a mystery! πŸ€”



Monday, July 5, 2021

I'm Published!!!

 I'm finally published y'all! The book is available on Kindle right now. The paperback will be available in a few weeks. Whoop!! 😁



Sunday, July 4, 2021

The Initiation

I played a trick on my little sister a few years ago that still makes me laugh out loud. I crack myself up.


We had just moved to our Montana mountaintop home the year before and my younger sister Lauri came for a visit. First, let me paint a picture for you of my sister. She is nothing like me. She's a real city girl. She likes expensive clothes, nice cars and take out food. She's a successful, professional, business woman, who works for a big pharmaceutical company. She looks like a Barbie doll - blonde, about 5'6", a size two and boobs big enough that always make me wonder how she doesn't just topple right over. She may have been 49 at the time but she looked 30. And even if she's not my favorite sister (oh please, don't even pretend you don't have favorites), she's really funny. 


Now my sister may have been a city girl but she was a real trooper. She handled all of the inconveniences of our off grid life very well. But still... she was such a fish out of water here. When we took walks, she insisted on carrying my big shotgun and spent the entire walk looking behind us for the bear or mountain lion that she KNEW was coming to eat us. And she wouldn't go anywhere by herself. She thought our mountaintop place was beautiful but it was really scary to her. She couldn't believe that I wasn't afraid to live here.


While Lauri was visiting, our bestest mountain neighbors Tim and Sue invited us all down to their little cabin in the woods for a get together, which we gladly accepted. 


As we drove down the mountain, on the curvy road in the trees, husband Butch driving, Lauri in the front seat as the Guest of Honor gabbing away, me in the backseat being ignored and all, I decided to play a trick on her making her think she was about to have to do something horrible. I was hoping Butch would just go along with it. 


Lauri had never met Tim and Sue and had not been to any of our mountain friend's homes. I said, out of the blue as we headed down there, "Lauri, ok I need to tell you something. The first time you go to a mountain person's house, there is a type of um, initiation and there are things you have to do. It's just part of mountain life. Just do it ok? It's expected. It wont hurt... that much and..."


Lauri, who even though tiny, has a HUGE mouth on her, looks a little alarmed and then her mouth starts running, "NO. No way. Unh uh!"


I continue on, "Really, it doesn't taste that bad. It won't last long. I only gagged a little! I did it. You can too!"


Lauri's mouth is still going a mile a minute, "Nuh uh bulll dookey I'm not doing it you can't make me let me out..."


I'm trying so hard not to laugh while Butch keeps looking at me in the rearview mirror, nodding his head seriously like what I'm saying is true. I went on, "Look you need to do this ok? If you don't, it will hurt our relationship with the mountain people. It's not that bad! Really. Just hold your nose and look brave. It's not THAT horrible. These mountain people are scary. We can't show any fear here or we're done, ok?!"


Lauri has her hand on the door trying to open it as we were going down the road, "I'm getting out now I'll walk home I'm not doing it no no no no NO!"


I finally started laughing and decided I'd better tell her the truth before she jumped out the window. I told her I was just kidding, there wasn't any initiation, that I made it all up. She looked at me with squinty eyes to see if I was telling her the truth and she couldn't tell. She thought it was just a plot to get her down there. To her credit, she stayed in the car and then met Tim and Sue with obvious trepidation. She looked like she was prepared to take off running at any moment. 


When I told our friends at the dinner table what I did to Lauri on the way to their house, we all had a hearty laugh together then Tim slowly stands up, grabs a bowl off the counter and starts to walk toward her with this scary look on his face. Lauri bolted out the door and we never saw her again.


Ha ha! Just kidding. Tim got her to come back in, eventually. It was dark outside. I guess she was more afraid of the bears than she was of a possible Initiation. 🀣 Poor thing! 


So now you know - all work and no play makes me ornery, so visitors will be treated as playthings for my personal amusement. I apologize ahead of time. 


Next: The Sasquatch Head


(πŸ‘‡That's not the Sasquatch below. That's Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top with us. Although he kinda looks like a Sasquatch, doesn't he? ;) )



Tuesday, February 9, 2021

TOLE You to Tamp Down the Snow

   

Let me tell you a story about snow ... and about not listening to your husband ... and the consequences thereof.

The first time I came up to our new mountaintop land was in January 2008 after my husband had already bought it. So exciting! Our very own homestead! The place was under a blanket of beautiful, fresh (way deeper than I thought) snow. Stunning! I had grown up in Houston, Texas so snow was a new, delightful thing to me. Little did I know.

 My husband Butch, my stepson Jay and I came up to the property to have a proper look around. We were tickled to find an old, log miner's cabin that had yellowed scraps of newspaper on the walls dating back to 1911. There were also signatures and notes on the walls from people who had visited over the years, some as old as 1913. Very cool!

After exploring the cabin, we all decided to sit down and rest for a bit - the trek in here on snowshoes had been long and difficult. I realized that I needed to pee so I told the boys I was going outside to potty, please don't come out there. As I was leaving the cabin, my husband quietly tells me, "Tamp down the snow before you go pee." Huh? Ok, whatever ...... I go on my merry way, whistling, around to the side of the cabin to the small berm of snow where it had fallen off the roof.

 Now to paint a picture for those of you who aren't used to being where it's very cold, the attire is this: underwear, two pairs of long johns, an assortment of about 20 T-shirts (layering!), a sweater, jeans, two pairs of gloves, two pairs of wool socks and one pair of cotton ones, scarf, fluffy cute hat, big warm boots, coveralls and large, clumsy snowshoes. Unzip coveralls and pull down, then the jeans, long johns and well, you get the idea. I am bare from my knees to my stomach and it's freezing! So awful having to go potty when it's this cold. Pretty much the only time I wish I were a man.

 I look back at that little two foot high snow berm and (mysteriously) think, "Ah, that would be a good place to go." (???) Long clumsy snowshoes still on, I balance myself atop the berm and tell myself, "OK. Go. Before you freeze." As I am concentrating and admiring the view, waiting for my body to do its thing, I feel myself slowly tipping forward and have nothing to grab ahold of. I am thinking, "Well, when I hit the snow I'll just put my hands out and stop myself." Riiiiiiight. You see, I had NO IDEA how deep this snow was.

So, to my utter surprise, instead of stopping me, my hands go right through the snow and I keep going until my whole head then plunges into the snow (Face plant!) and guess what? My bare butt is up in the air. And I'm stuck. Lovely. My snowshoes are still firmly on top of the snow berm, making my feet higher than my head, thereby throwing off my balance and keeping me from lifting my head up. To add insult to injury, when my head hit the snow, I gasped - and hey, did you know you could choke on snow? I am stuck, choking, freezing and desperately need to get my head OUT of there.

Bare butt sticking up in air.

Pulling my hands out of the snow, I put them back on top of the snow and push. All that happens is that my hands go right back down into the snow and my head moves not one inch. I am still choking, can't breathe and

Bare butt is still in the air.

I am getting fairly alarmed at this point by a few things. First I am TERRIFIED that my 25 year old stepson is going to come out and see what all the commotion is (I can't do anything quietly.). Second, I am wondering what my face will look like after they deal with all the frostbite. Third, I am not only choking, I am now laughing because I can see how truly funny this looks. Kind of like an ostrich except for the sand part and no feathers on my butt. And last, I am FREEZING!

Bare butt STILL in air.

STILL haven't peed yet.

I finally realize that pushing myself up with my arms isn't going to work and that I am going to have to fall over in the snow just to get my head out. Still in the same position, actually having an argument with myself.

"But I don't WANT to fall over in the snow. It's COLD!"

"But you will suffocate and DIE here if you don't. Is this really how you want to be found dead? With your naked butt in the air and your head planted in snow?" (as funny as that would be).

"Well, no. Of course not but I'll be laying semi-naked in the snow and it's just so miserable."

"Just DO IT!"

So, over I go and oh man, talk about COLD and gasping! I am however relieved that my head is finally free even though I am still choking and laughing and making quite a ruckus. To my horror, I then realize that not only are my snowshoes hopelessly entangled but that I chose to fall over facing towards the door of the cabin where my bare butt is still completely visible. "Please God, don't let Jay come out here. We'll never be able to look each other in the eye again!" To get my snowshoes untangled takes quite an effort - bringing them up off the ground (better view of my rear!) and thrashing away, hoping that they will just LET GO.

STILL haven't peed.

"WHAT is going ON out there?"

"NOTHING! DON'T come out here!!" choke, hack

I finally get the shoes apart and lay there just exhausted for a moment. I manage to stand up, turn rear AWAY from front of cabin and notice that I have snow in my collar, under my shirts, in my sweater, coveralls, long johns and jeans. I then notice that my butt is now a very pretty shade of purplish red and quite numb. (What if some of it is frostbitten?! Is that going to make sitting down an issue??) I also realize that

I still haven't peed

and say, "Forget THAT!" I don't even bother to get all the snow out of my clothes before I put them back on. I just want to get dressed and inside the frigid cabin which is less frigid than outside. My hair is completely wet and hanging limply at my face. Dragging myself to the cabin door, I lean against it, looking a bit bedraggled, totally worn out, sighing loudly, and my sweet husband quietly says,

"TOLE you to tamp down the snow."


Saturday, February 6, 2021

Monkey See NO Evil πŸ™ˆ

Sigh..... it's time to go get water again, which isn't THAT big of a deal except for the fact that the road to our spring is pure ice and I just HATE driving on ice, especially since that road is steeply downhill from my house AND has about a 1000 foot drop off on the side. Luckily, that road doesn't turn to ice very often but when I complained about this scary situation to my husband Butch, he encouragingly said, "Shoot. You won't go far if you go over the edge. You'll hit a tree or boulder and stop, at some point. Heh heh."


 Well wow. I feel ALL better now, thanks!  


The last time I had to go get water with these same set of frozen circumstances, this is what I did: first, I groaned REAL loud and then prayed begging-style, for an all-expense paid trip to the Bahamas to magically appear in my email inbox. It didn't. Bah.


Pouting at the unfairness of life, I got everything ready to get our weekly water, chained up the truck, prayed for courage and started down the terrifying icy road and thought, "Hey wait a minute. I am GREAT at driving backwards. Even Butch says so. Maybe I should BACK all the way down there!" 


So, that's exactly what I did. I backed all the way down there. I've already mentioned that this road is twisty, turny, snowy, icy with a LONG, LONG drop off on one side. Since all I could see what was out of my rear view mirrors and since I had to concentrate so hard, I didn't have time to be afraid. And I wasn't! I got all the way down there with no problem, no sliding and no fear!! Ta DA!


When I bragged about the absolute genius way I handled that problem, it horrified everyone in my life. Some told me to never ever do that again or at least don't tell them about it if I did. Butch slapped his hand on his forehead and yelled, "Do I have to tie you to a CHAIR before I leave in the morning?!" 


 Hey, I'd rather slide out of control backwards than forwards. For some reason. Hmmm... That's odd. Why did I feel that way?? Now that I thought about it, I guess I've always been the kind of person who if she can't SEE a problem - icy road, monster in the dark, dirty house - it's simply not there. I'm a hide-under-the-covers kind of gal. Hmmm......


Self-analyzation began.


I thought back to when I was little. My sisters and I were often alone when we were young because my poor mom had to work two jobs. When we'd hear a scary noise at night, I would immediately march to the closet and hide. My cute, tiny, blonde youngest sister who is impressively brave, always went searching for the cause of the noise. And I being the big sister, let her. Thankfully it was never anything bad but I still hid, each time. 


I then remembered the time I went rafting for the first time ever with my family in Montana in the spring when the rivers are swollen and full and rushing like mad. Where people die every year. There were eight of us in the boat, all ages, from five to eighty years old. Every single person in the boat was laughing and having fun. Except me. What was I doing? Putting my head down, eyes closed, not watching. Still having fun mind you, but I didn't want to SEE the froth and waves that were about to swallow us all up. (I have a picture to prove this btw. It's hilarious.) 



So. My self-introspection revealed that I prefer to calmly (bravely?) take what comes but I will do it with my eyes closed. I am apparently the personification of Monkey See No Evil.

I'm not necessarily afraid of dying, I just don't want to SEE it.


 Hence, driving backwards down the hill. It's not like you can control where you're going when you start sliding anyway, whether you're going forward OR backwards. I'll just go with it, not watch and slide till I stop. Somewhere. At some point.


Or hey, you know what? Maybe I'll just wait for Butch to get home and let HIM go get the water. Yeah, that's what I'll do! I'll even go with him.


But I'm not looking. 


~~~ The End ~~~


(Well, hopefully not!)