We have lived on top of our mountain for 12 years now. I have changed a LOT during that time. Not by choice mind you, but living this off grid life on a mountain in Montana tends to have an effect, which epitomizes the saying, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".
I am indeed stronger. I am calmer and at peace. I'm less afraid of everything (except our scary road). I have more faith. I'm freer and know better how to be content. All good changes for which I'm grateful to God.
Some things haven't changed - Butch is still funny, we still have a ton of dogs, and I still hate our scary road in the winter.
Another thing that hasn't changed is my attitude toward drop-in visitors. I thought for sure my bad attitude towards unexpected visitors would change over the years. But alas, no. That's stayed exactly the same.
When we first started building up here in the Montana wilderness, even though there were only a couple other people living here back then, we had drop-in visitors constantly. Butch welcomed them all with open arms, a big smile and tons of hilarious stories. I welcomed them with smiles too because I'm polite but I was surprised at how annoyed I felt. They couldn't have called to see if we were busy? Or let me know they were coming so I could put a bra on?? What if I hadn't had any makeup on? Or what if my house was a mess? Gasp!! I just wanted to look my best and be ready to receive visitors. Is that too much to ask?
After talking this over with Butch, whose attitude was the polar opposite of mine, I realized I was "too city, too uptight, too fussy, too controlling, too worried about superficial things and that I needed to relax and change into a normal, friendly person with a 24-hour-a-day Open House policy. We lived in the country for Pete's sake!"
Oh. Well pardon me.
So I tried. I tried not to worry about how my house looked, how I looked, whether we were busy or not, whether I had proper undergarments on or whether I had tea and cake ready to serve. I tried. I truly did. I really wanted to be an honest to goodness, real live, good ole country woman who invited all and sundry in for coffee no matter who they were or how busy she was, just like in the good old days.
And I did make some headway. I began to wear a bra every day. I learned to keep my house somewhat picked up. I tried to convince myself that SPAM on Wheat Thins was an appropriate refreshment. I relaxed a bit on being interrupted when I was working. I tried to shake off the inbred Southern, ironclad city rules of never ever ever dropping by someone's house uninvited, nor calling and asking to come over. These were taboo. They just weren't done. But I tried to free myself from these constraining rules, just let go and enjoy people popping up, whenever.
To my utter frustration, I didn't do that well, which was so weird. I loved people! I love having fun! I had parties all the time. I invited people over for dinner and to stay with us all summer, every summer. I went to other people's homes all the time (when invited). I was the one who hosted all the dinners and parties for every major life event and holiday for most of my adult life. I've had hundreds, nay thousands of dinners and parties in my lifetime.
So what was my problem?? It wasn't people obviously. It had to be the unannounced dropping by. I don't like it. Even calling me beforehand and asking to drop by. I don't like it. It makes me nervous. It always makes me nervous. I'm fine once they're here, laughing and talking, but it takes me a while to adjust. I'm all right if I'm the one doing the inviting, which I do all the time. But if a wrench is thrown into my schedule, it totally throws me off.
And after 12 years of country living I am still the same. Living in the country has not changed that part of me like I hoped it would.
But you know what? It's okay. I realize now that I'm an introvert, plain and simple. I never thought I was because I've always been such a clown and I like making people laugh. But I like my alone time. I like my schedule. I don't like being interrupted. I don't do spontaneous and last minute. I don't like surprises. I'm not a fan of change. I like predictability. I like a plan and order. And I fit people in when and where I can because I like them too. But they have to be part of the plan.
After all these years of beating myself up about this personality trait of mine and trying so hard to change, I realize that I don't need to change. This is who I am and there's nothing wrong with that. I accept myself and stop demanding that she change so I can like her better. I can be a friend to myself, love her, leave her alone and let her be... She's okay just the way she is. In fact, she's more than okay, she's awesome and amazing and tough and sweet and funny.
Even if she is a little chunky. Hey, more of me to love.
So there. Nyah. ;)
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