Me - Ok, so since my readers seem to like you better than me (HARRumph) and since you have this surprisingly big following (tsk), I figured that our NON-discriminating readers would like to hear from their new favorite buddy Butch.
Butch - Wow. Bitter much?
Me - I'm not bitter. I'm NOT. Anyhoo, people like your character because I've apparently done a really good job making you seem all likeable and stuff.
Butch (twinkle in his eye, little grin on his face) - They like ME, really?
Me - Yasss, for some reason. So I've decided to give you your own chapter in the book by interviewing you, that way I can maintain control and not let you go off all half-cocked. Ok?
Butch - Why would they want to hear from me anyway? I'm nobody special. I just dew what I dew. Are you going to bleep out all the cuss words?
Me - Seriously? Of course!
Butch - Then it won't be auth... authen.. It won't be real. I don't dew fake.
Me - (Sigh!) - Ok then, I won't bleep them out. (Liar!) Come on. It won't take long. Just humor me, ok? People just LOVE you. They want to hear from The Man, The King, The Butch!
Butch - Oh, ok. Whale then... back eyin mah dayee.....
Me (aaahhh!) - No no no no! NO stories from your childhood, as funny as they are. That's a whole 'nother book. These stories are from our life since we moved to the mountain.
Butch (disappointed) - Oh. Poo.
Me - I'm going to INTERVIEW you. I ask questions, you answer, ok? Ok. So, how do you feel about your long-suffering, patient, beautiful, hard-working wife?
Butch - Which one?
Me - Wow. Man you are so in the doghouse. Next question.
Butch - Wait. Did you bleep out when I said "Oh. Ship." a minute ago?
Me - Um, well I wrote "Oh. Poo." That's close enough, isn't it? And I'M asking the questions here! Pay attention! So, why did you decide to go off grid?
Butch - You made me.
Me - I did NOT! We decided that together, remember? Geez. Ok, how do you feel about our mountain neighbors?
Butch - Haw! Talkin' about neighbors, there was this guy I grew up with named Slim Circles, or was that Cooter Brown? Hmm..... maybe it was Poo Hendrix. Anyway, this one time we were stealing these HUGE Black Diamond watermelons and running through this pasture in the dark and Cooter, or Slim, or Poo fell right down on his face and ...
Me - Sigh! OUR. LIFE .UP. HERE. BUTCH!
Butch (pouting) - Oh. But that's such a great sto-rey! Dang it.
Me - What did you think about having your life immortalized in the watercolor painting our friend did of you?
Butch - Haw haw, I was peeing in that picture and nobody could tell! HAW!
Me - OMG. Don't TELL people that!! It ruins the picture! Sheeeesh. So. What's your favorite season on the ol' mountaintop?
Butch - Winter
Me - Weirdo. Ok, what did you think when your thoughtful wife bought you a Ken doll that you always wanted when you were little?
Butch - It was a G. I. JOE, NOT a Ken doll for Pete's flippin' sake. And it was ok.
Me - Just ok?? You played with that thing for two hours!
Butch - Did NOT. Next question.
Me (snicker) - Why do you have so many dogs?
Butch - That's your fault. And why not? The more the merrier. I had this dog when I was twelve and ...
Me - Butch! Focus man! How do you feel about your wife being a writer and telling people that you were a Mr. Poopy Pants and telling all of your darkest secrets, wishes and dreams?
Butch - My whut? Oh, talkin' about poopy pants, there was this one time when I was twenty that .....
Me - SIGH. OK. This interview is over. One more question. Do you love your life here on the mountain, off grid with all these dogs and an amazing wife?
Butch - Oh HELL YEAH. And don't bleep that out either.